After a defensive reaction, briefly name what you did and ask for one recent example: what was happening, what they observed, and what effect it had. Listen before explaining your intent. A concrete example makes the feedback discussable; assess the account after you hear it.
Why ask for one example after a defensive reply?
A defensive reply can leave two issues tangled: the original feedback and the way you answered it. Repair the second briefly before reopening the first. For example: “I got defensive and interrupted you earlier. I’m sorry for that. Could you describe one recent moment you had in mind?” This acknowledges an observable action without agreeing to a broad judgment about your character.
Immediate rebuttal shifts attention to your intent; a sweeping apology may accept more than you understand. Asking for one instance lets the coworker explain what they meant while leaving you free to assess it afterward. The Center for Creative Leadership’s Situation–Behavior–Impact framework guides feedback givers to name a situation, observable behavior, and impact without assuming motive. Applying that structure to your follow-up is a practical adaptation.
Choose a moment when you can listen without an audience or urgent deadline. A short message can reopen the subject and ask whether they have time to talk; it need not make the whole case in writing. The aim is to make room for one conversation, not force a quick resolution.
Sources: Problem Employees: Identify and Manage Them Before They Impact Your Business and Career; Tips for Giving Feedback & Avoiding Feedback Mistakes
What makes an example useful rather than another judgment?
A useful account lets you locate an event, identify what someone could see or hear, and understand the effect they report. CCL’s guidance distinguishes descriptions of specific actions from labels or guesses about a person’s motives. That distinction does not make the account automatically complete or correct; it makes the claim easier to discuss.
Suppose the coworker says, “You dismiss people.” You might ask, “Could you tell me about one recent time? What did you see me do, and what effect did it have?” They describe a planning meeting where you began answering before they finished, and they stopped offering their estimate. This is an illustrative exchange, not a research case. It gives you an action to consider and an effect to check, without proving why you interrupted or whether the estimate would have changed the decision.
Once they answer, resist filling in the missing pieces for them. If you cannot place the event, ask when it happened. If the action remains unclear, ask what they remember hearing or seeing. Then let the coworker finish. Repeated questions can turn a request for understanding into a cross-examination, so stop when you have enough detail to reflect back what you heard. When you reflect the account, keep the coworker’s observation and interpretation distinct: “I started answering before you finished” is an action; “you did not value my estimate” is a possible explanation. You can ask what they noticed that led to that conclusion, then decide whether your memory or relevant work context adds something. This keeps the discussion specific without requiring either person to settle every disagreement on the spot.
Sources: Problem Employees: Identify and Manage Them Before They Impact Your Business and Career; Tips for Giving Feedback & Avoiding Feedback Mistakes
What does feedback-seeking research support?
A 2016 review in the Annual Review of Organizational Psychology and Organizational Behavior treats feedback seeking as proactive information gathering in everyday organizational life. Its accessible publisher abstract says the review considers who seeks feedback, contextual influences, and possible benefits and costs for individuals and groups. That framing makes a request for an example a plausible inquiry, while reminding you that the setting matters.
Use that context to decide whether to ask directly. If status pressure or the relationship makes candid discussion unlikely or unsafe, choose a more suitable workplace channel. If you do ask and receive only a broad label, note that the exchange has not yet supplied a behavior you can examine; you can ask again for a recent moment or stop there. The abstract offers no estimate for this particular conversation, so it cannot tell you which choice will improve its outcome.
How do you respond once you have heard it?
Check your understanding in one sentence: “So I started responding before you finished, and you weren’t sure I had heard your concern. Is that what you mean?” The coworker can correct your summary. You can acknowledge the reported effect while still reserving judgment about intent or context.
The next step depends on the answer. A clear, relevant example can suggest a behavior to practice. A mismatch between what happened and how it was interpreted may call for a brief clarification. An account that remains general gives you little basis for a specific change; say that a concrete moment would help. You might also ask what they would have preferred in that moment, if the answer is not already clear. Their preference is useful context, though it does not automatically become a rule for every conversation.
If the account points to a behavior you want to change, name one thing you will try in the next similar conversation. If you need to explain context, first represent their account accurately, then keep your explanation focused. If neither of you can speak calmly, wait for a private time when both can focus. The private 32-item Emotional Skills Profile at /assessment can help you choose a recent habit or scenario judgment to reflect on before your next feedback conversation.
Sources: Problem Employees: Identify and Manage Them Before They Impact Your Business and Career
Questions readers ask
What should I say after I got defensive about feedback?
Name the specific reaction briefly, such as interrupting or arguing, and ask for one recent example of the behavior the coworker meant. Listen to the event and its effect before explaining your intent.
Does asking for an example mean I agree with the criticism?
No. It means you want to understand the event being described. You can recognize an effect, ask a follow-up, and still decide that part of the interpretation needs context or is not supported.
What if my coworker cannot give a specific example?
Say that a concrete moment would help you understand what to change. If they cannot recall one, do not treat a broad label as proof of a repeated pattern; you can return to the question through a suitable workplace channel.
Sources
- Problem Employees: Identify and Manage Them Before They Impact Your Business and Career
In its SBI feedback guidance, CCL recommends that feedback givers describe a recent situation, specific observed behavior, and reported impact using factual, nonjudgmental language and without assumptions about intent. Applying those elements to shape a recipient’s follow-up question is an editorial adaptation; the paper does not test that repair script.
- Tips for Giving Feedback & Avoiding Feedback Mistakes
CCL advises feedback givers to address specific observed behavior, discuss actions without judging the person, and avoid psychoanalyzing motives. The guidance does not evaluate a recipient’s request for an example.
- To Seek or Not to Seek: Is That the Only Question? Recent Developments in Feedback-Seeking Literature
The publisher abstract describes feedback seeking as information individuals proactively seek in everyday organizational interactions and says the review considers who seeks feedback, contextual influences, and potential benefits and costs for seekers and groups. The abstract provides no effect estimate and does not establish effects for a specific repair conversation.
Apply it to the real situation
Choose one feedback habit to notice
From this guide: A single conversation shows what happened once; your next question is whether it resembles a recent pattern you want to practice.
The Emotional Skills Profile offers private reflection on recent emotional habits and judgments in authored scenarios. Use it to choose a behavior to notice in your next feedback conversation, such as pausing before you explain or checking that you understood the example. It can support reflection, while the coworker’s account and your own observations remain the evidence about this exchange.